So then I said...

If you missed what he said, you should really start here.

Sometimes I wonder if this is all real. It could very plausibly be some elaborate, horrid dream, the result of my brain realizing that I basically chased away a perfectly good stalker, because I didn't think I wanted to get married again, or have more children. Maybe it's like the Dickens novel, A Christmas Carol, and this is my dream about the future. Any way it's seems like any day now I'll wake up an realize I fucked up, but in reality it's just far too late to get you back.

And then I die a bitter woman.

I assume you detailed your attraction to me as a means to hammer home the fact that your love wasn't instant. While most women may be upset by that, we both know that I find it very reassuring, even if it was rather rapid. I get it now.

Somehow our road to here has been paved in a lot of drama. We've been so very high, and so very low.

I can't imagine that this is what you had wanted, but older, wiser, Jill knows that it doesn't mean you're apt to walk away. Even on my horribly low days, I have moments of completely lucid awareness that it hurts you just as much as it hurts me. I remember that it's happening to you, too. It's those moments, fleeting as they may be, that make me fight for my sanity. For yours.

Older, wiser Jill also knows that she's long held the notion that had I been legally available to marry you the day we sort of asked each other, I would've done it.

For the record, since I am legally free to do it, I'd marry you anywhere, any time, any day, N** **.

Love,

Me